ON BEING GEORGIE


       
Don't mean to sound like a broken record but for months now I feel like I've been writing about someone else.  Not me.  I'm not sick.  Look at me.  Do I look sick?  Do I complain?  (well sometimes).  But not on a daily basis.  I'm able to be up and around, even if that only means a trip to Giant, which I do so frequently they miss me when I'm not there.

But now,  I am sick and I know it.  And no one hears me complain but Tom, and I do complain.  When I look in the mirror I see a pale somber person who sort of resembles me.  Today as I was driving back from Hershey I was listening to WITF.  I should have changed the station.  A hospice nurse was talking about her dying cancer patients.  I knew I should have turned it off, but I didn't.  Instead I heard about the last days of  patients and their family members.  The long, sleepless nights, watching and waiting for someone to die. It wasn't anything I hadn't heard before, but it is something that I don't need to be listening to at this point.

Positive imaging that's what I need to be doing.  Trying to eat things that are good for me whether I feel like eating or not, and lately I really don't feel like eating let alone cooking.  Tom says we should just eat out.  That would not be a good idea for him or for me.  His diet is terrible.  If I don't feel like cooking he eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, or other stuff that he really shouldn't.

The writing workshop I went to today was good for me.  It made me stop thinking about how rotten I feel.   It took me out of the "sick zone" and into using my brain for something creative.  I should get into the habit of writing something everyday.  Yeah, like that'll happen.  The only thing I seem to stick to is watching that stupid soap opera everyday.

On April 30, I go to Baltimore to see a doctor who specializes in holistic medicine.  She does administer mistletoe shots.  I am trying not to pin all my hopes on this therapy, but I do hope that it helps with the pain in my back and maybe will get me off the oxycodone.  I only take it if I am really in a lot of pain, which seems to be happening more and more.

Yesterday (Sunday) I took myself shopping for some new summer clothes.  Most of what I have in my closet is stuff I bought when I still lived in VA.  I've lived here for 8 years so that tells you how out of date I am.

I was awake most of last night and today spent most of the day in bed trying not to overdose on pain meds.  This is not the way I want to live.  So....from this moment forward I'll try to concentrate on the positive and look forward to feeling better.  Yes I will, I promise!

The next time you hear from me will be after my trip to Baltimore and hopefully it will be with some promising news.
And she's baaack!  After a harrowing drive through a downpour that lasted from the time we left the house until we reached our destination, we arrived with high blood pressure and a few minor discussions about how to read directions.

The doctor I saw gave me so much information, my head is still spinning.  She also gave me my first shot and explained to me how I will be doing it myself.  She also gave me a bunch of supplements and a list of foods I should and should not eat.  Shades of last April, but not quite as restrictive.  Its going to take me a couple days to get into this routine and get all the supplements down.  If it helps, and I think it will, I should have a better quality of life, sleep better and have less need for pain meds.  I will do my best to stick to the guidelines.

Update:  The first shot was completely wasted.  We managed to break the vial and lost all the fluid.  I was able to call a friend who used to work in my doctor's office and she came over and gave me a shot.  That was on Friday.  Today (Sunday) I was determined to do it myself.  Got all the instructions out, carefully went through them step by step, finally got the needle in the vial and some of it leaked out, so I really am not sure if I got any in me or not.  I am a nervous wreck.  I feel awful.  Have not really been eating much of anything and I am not sleeping.  All in all, things are not going well, plus this is costing a small fortune.  I am not sure how long I'll be able to keep this up.  Am I discouraged?  Yes.  Am I depressed?  Yes.  Am I giving up?  Not yet, but I do hope things improve.