ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END




Last  Wednesday I had a CT scan.  I knew the results would be less than great.  And I was right.  When I called the doctor's office his nurse told me that the scan showed growth in both lungs.  Today, I spoke to the doctor on the phone.  He confirmed what the nurse told me and also said there were enlarged ducts in the liver, which could mean a number of things, but until further testing is done, we wouldn't know anything for sure.

He said he could refer me to a GI doctor and they would probably do a number of tests, none of which would be pleasant, but knowing me as he does, he wasn't sure that would be the route I would want to take.  I assured him he was correct in that assessment.  I asked him how I would know if things had progressed and if, in fact, there was a blockage.  He said I would probably get up some morning and be a bright shade of yellow.  I told him that was my favorite color, but if and when that happened I would call him immediately.

He said the pain I am experiencing could possibly be from a tumor on the left side of my upper back and he could confer with Dr. DeGreen about having targeted radiation on that spot.  I told him, so far any pain can be controlled with Tylenol and if it gets to the point where I am in constant pain, I will call him and he can prescribe something stronger. 

 I told him I know that I have a terminal disease, that no one can tell me if I have 6 months, a year or longer.  I said I am prepared for whatever time I have left.  I have never had a desire to be an old lady dependent on others.  I hope to get my affairs in order and leave this earth as peaceably as possible.

He said I am an inspiration.   I don't know about that.  All I know is that I don't want to be a complaining, whining, sick person, whom no one wants to be around.

I have begun straightening out the massive amounts of papers, sorting and cataloging, making sure all my financial affairs are in order so that Joe doesn't have a mess on his hands when I die.  It is amazing what you accumulate.  I thought I went through this cleaning out process when I moved here nearly 8 years ago.  But the stuff has a way of multiplying.

I've been thinking a lot about all the people I know who have died within the past 10 years.  Somehow life does go on and it will go on when I leave.  None of us gets out of this alive.  I am almost looking forward to seeing what happens next.  And when I'm no longer here remember me with the words to the song "I'll Be Seeing You...