In Control

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days (who am I kidding, try the last nearly four years since I got cancer) about why I don't want chemotherapy.  I've been vascillating back and forth between yes, if it can give me some more time and keep the cancer from spreading, or no I can't bear the thought of sitting in that infusion room having poisons pumped into me not knowing whether it's really going to do the job or just rob me of the quality of life I now have only to make me miserable.

After this week's appointment, I am once again back to not wanting to go through it.  I know the risks.  I also know that I can try the nutritional route and be in control of what I am putting into my body, not being at the mercy of someone else who isn't quite sure whether the mixture they are giving me is really going to work.  Maybe what I eat and drink won't work either, but at least I won't feel sick, fatigued, lose my hair and have a moon face.

It all boils down to this;  I have always hated being told what to do.  I need to be in control.  And I have been.  I've made some stupid decisions, but they were mine and I own them.  I've made some good decisions and for the most part I've had a good life.  Regardless of what other people think or have thought about what I've done or what I'm doing, it is my life and as the song says "I did it my way."  And I will continue to do it my way until the last.  In fact if I was going to have a tombstone it would read "She did it her way." but I'm going to be cremated and have my ashes scattered at the base of a blue spruce tree.  At least that's what I have requested.

So this is how I'm feeling on this beautiful last Saturday of March 2013.  Who knows, Monday April 1, being April Foods
Day, I might change my mind.  But that's okay.  I am in control.