STAGE FOUR

I would much rather hear the words Stage Left or Stage Right or Center Stage.  Stage Four is not what anyone wants to hear.  We all know what it means.  That dreaded cancer has spread and no one knows where it will pop up next.  So what do you do?

If you've been following this ongoing saga, you know that back in February I considered chemo and then decided against it.  I tried doing the "clean diet" and that lasted about a month until I got the burning mouth from a supplement I was taking.  After that I sort of just went back to eating what-ever I wanted.  

Now I'm back to wondering if I should reconsider chemotherapy.  I keep thinking of all the reasons why I didn't want to do it in February or any of the other times in the last four years I was confronted with this decision.  I still cannot come up with a single reason WHY I should do it.  This is the way my mind works;  If there is no cure, and I don't want the side effects of chemo, and if there is no way of knowing how long I'll have to be on it or if it will even do anything for me other than prolonging the inevitable and costing thousands of dollars, WHY?  If anyone can tell me one good thing that makes sense for a woman of my age to go through this, please let me know.

I go from feeling positive and up beat and willing to exit this life gracefully, to wanting to bawl my eyes out and just give up.  It would be easier if I had a more understanding companion right now, but I know this is hard on him too.  He doesn't understand my need to be on the computer all the time, not that I wasn't before this news, but now it's my one outlet.  I can write and rant and rave and no one needs to hear me or see what I write, but it irritates the hell out of him.  What he expects me to be doing I don't know.  And, I just can't worry about it.  I have to do what I have to do for me right now.

Part of me would like to just go away by myself for awhile.  Then I think about how lonely that would be and I certainly need my friends and family now.  It's a very frustrating place to be in; you want to be alone, but you want people.  I remember going through this when my husband died. Eventually you work out of it  And I will work out of this dilemma too.

I am pretty sure I will just keep on keeping on.  Do what makes me happy.  Eat what I want, sleep when I want, go where I want.  Surround myself with positive people and hope that I don't drive myself and everyone else nuts in the process.